I am the Asshole

Let Me Take This Op-bear-tunity to Say...

2007-04-19T12:46:00.000-04:00

This is Bearemy. Bearemy is the official mascot for Build-A-Bear; a company that’s been selling customizable stuffed animals since 1997. Currently they have over 300 stores in the United States.

Bearemy is fucking stupid. Build-A-Bear is fucking stupid.

First off Bearemy has to be the dumbest name I’ve ever heard. Seriously what ass-hat came up with this name? It sounds like a cluster of corporate fucks locked themselves in a room until someone came up with a name, and out popped this shit-label, Bearemy. Is that supposed to be a cool pun on the name Jeremy? It sounds like shit.

Maybe the child audience you target could help you pick a better name? They would come up with terrible names like Beario (Mario) and Bearny (Barney), since kids are fucking superficial brats.

Apparently Bearemy is 9 ½ paws tall (about 6’4”), which according to my calculation means that 1 paw = 8 inches. Well coincidently my hand is 8 inches in length, does that mean I have a bear paw-sized hand? Considering everyone (myself included) thinks I have such tiny hands (I know what you’re thinking, fuck you), this doesn’t make any fucking sense. I did more research and found out that Brown Bears, like Bearemy is portraying, grow to be 7-10 feet tall, and weigh anywhere from 250-1,500 pounds. Yet my 145 pound body has a hand that’s comparable to their paw in size? Shut the fuck up Build-A-Bear, you suck. The whole premise behind giving him an actual height in paw-measurement is fucking retarded anyways. Your bear blows.

That’s not where the half-wit shit ends though; just take a look at their job titles. The category is called “Employment Op-Bear-Tunities.” The possible jobs you can apply for are as follows; Subearvisor, Compbearsation Specialist, Bearnefits Supervisor. What a collection of stupid fucking names, can you imagine putting that on a resume? Employers would look at you like your some filthy bear-fucking dumbass.

For a little company information: Build-A-Bear, as of 2006, was estimated to be worth 650 million, earning 27.7 million in profits that year. Also on March 7, 2006 Build-A-Bear donated 1 million dollars to the World Wildlife Fund (WWF, not wrestling asshole), which for those who don’t know is an international organization for the conservation, research, and restoration of the natural environment. WWF’s main focus is on endangered species though.

This sounds like a noble cause by Build-A-Bear until you read their press release 2 months later which displays the hypocrisy within their money-grubbing corporation. On May 10, 2006 Build-A-Bear announces it will be releasing 32 special bears to be placed into McDonalds Happy Meals. McDonalds, the same company who sells you hamburgers that clearly cannot be produced from a cow. They taste like fucking greasy rat meat. So one month they soak in the good press for helping out the wildlife, the next month they’re using hamburgers to promote their product. Sounds pretty fucking hypocritical to me. Why don’t you go find a company that doesn’t kill off thousands of animals, feeding the fat asses around the world, to promote your products?

I can see how they make all the money they do though, they rape you on the actual product. But parents can’t say no, their kids want that shit, and we all know kids don’t shut the fuck up. The stuffed animals themselves are only around $20, but where they really stick you is in all the accessories for the damn thing. They have shirts, pants, underwear, shoes, cell phones, mp3 players, camping gear, and sounds that you can add. All of these accessories cost anywhere from $3-10 a piece. An average animal is going to cost you well over $50 by the time your selfish-ass kid is done. Oh and how fucking lame is camping gear? Why the fuck does a stuffed animal need camping gear anyways?

I also know loads of girls who want their boyfriends to buy them one of these things, those girls are materialistic cunts. The guys who actually go and buy them one should kill themselves, no pussy is worth that.

The best feature about these animals is the customizable sound. And at $8 it gives me a grand idea. The next girlfriend I dump (its bound to happen) is in for an exceptional parting gift. I have decided that once I’m going to unload the next girl I’m going to go buy her a Build-A-Bear. I am going to record myself for the sound and then give it to her, and this is how it would all go down:

Clueless Girlfriend: “Like oh my god, you got me a Build-A-Bear!!”
Amazing Randy: “Yeah it even has a personalized sound just for you babe.”
Clueless Girlfriend: “Oh my gosh…[pushes button]”
Build-A-Bear: “Hey babe! I’m tired of having sex with you, so I’m going to need you to take your shit and get the fuck out of my life.”

I guess Build-A-Bear is good for something. If that bitch refuses then I’ll just beary my foot in her ass.

Nickelback and the People Who Like Nickelback

2007-04-18T03:24:00.000-04:00

You fucking suck.

Go ahead and let that soak in for a second.

Ok, let’s begin.

First off radio rock (watered down nu-metal) sucks balls. Most of the bands are unoriginal, recycling the same chords and lyrics. If I hear one more song about someone being so cold I might fucking die of hypothermia. Talentless fucks.

Music is something that is supposed to be an art form. Art forms are supposed to be original, and give you the ability to display your creativity. Yes I know that genres can contain how much creativity you get, to a certain degree. For example, Nickelback could not put out a song where they screamed ala death metal; it just wouldn’t fit the style of their fanatics.

I also know there are many bands that have songs that sound a lot alike, but Nickelback is the worst. They have more fans, and sell more records. Now that they’re an established band they should be trying creative things, but they’re not. They insist on sucking the same way they always have. If Nickelback was a chic she would be the kind to scratch your dick with her teeth, each time you yell, clinch your fist, seriously contemplate hitting her, and yet she keeps doing it.

First off Chad Kroeger (the bands front man, I would call him a singer, but that would make him seem like he could actually sing) looks like every cliché nu-metal rocker. “Hey lets have shoulder length dirty blond hair that looks like it hasn’t been washed. Let’s also grow this cool goatee. Cant forget to squint real serious-like in every picture.” I couldn’t make him look more like a douche if I tried.

The biggest mistake Nickelback made was that they proved all their doubters right. They released two songs that used almost identical chords and rhythms. Both happened to be their first two hits. Congratulations dumbasses, did you honestly think that in this day of internet prowess you could get away with this? If you want to hear this for yourself then please visit this link.

I’ll admit that shit is hard to listen to, even to prove they suck. I almost couldn’t make it all the way through without throwing up. This alone confirms they’re the biggest bags of douche you can have in the music industry. They sell 5+ million copies of their CD and get endless amounts of advertising when actual good original bands get shit on, it’s disgusting.

The sickening part is that it is YOU who is allowing this to happen. YOU are the ones buying into this shit. YOU are buying their music, YOU are going to their concerts, YOU are buying their merchandise, and YOU are the groupies fucking them backstage.

Why does society have no balls when it comes to this cliché rock group? Is it just easy for you to hop in your car, press the preset button, and sing along to their shit? Is it the fact that it’s so easy and remarkably familiar that you can’t stop listening and buying their shit? Do they send people to your house threatening you mob-style?

That would be fucking horrible. Chad Kroeger shows up at your house, asks you what Nickelback song you hate the most (which would be painful enough, how can you choose just one?), threatens to reuse the same chords and rhythm from it, then make you listen to it in a room covered in Nickelback posters all day long, and that’s if you don’t buy their music. If you buy it you’re already fucked. They have already ejaculated on you, and made you swallow it.

What’s worse is that when people who like Nickelback read this they will still like them. It doesn’t matter what proof you show, they have become zombies. I know this because they have done it for years with shitty bands. I took the time to list out some other shitty radio rock bands that everyone loves:

Godsmack – Every song sounds the same. Stole everything from Alice in Chains; including band name, album titles, song titles, progression, and yet they deny it.
Puddle of Mudd – Singer tries to be Kurt Cobain. They sound like shitty re-incarnations of a once shitty band.
Staind – Sold Out. Went from an alternative band with some edge to them to soft sissies once they hit it big with “Outside.”
Creed – 2^nd Worst band in the world.
Hinder – On pace to eventually challenge Nickelback and Creed as being the worst band in the world
Seether – Try to sound metal yet come off just as that, they’re trying; we all know they’re fucking soft.
Shinedown – Blows.
Breaking Benjamin – Recycles Lyrics.
Crossfade – See above.
Korn – Uses the same base lines for every song.
Limp Bizkit – Fred Durst. I don’t even need a punch line.

I am not saying my taste in music is better than yours, but if this is the shit you like than it is. I’ve never played guitar, but I guarantee I can learn the 4 chords Nickelback repeats over and over within a few hours. Will you guys buy 5 million of my CD’s? Or do I need to grow a goatee and not wash my hair first?

If you want to really do me favor, copy this blog and send it to Nickelback. Or just send them a message and tell them they fucking suck. I’ve already sent them a copy; I’ve got $5 that says they don’t respond. Id bet more than that but I don’t want too much money being invested into anything Nickelback related.

I’d link you to their myspace, but I don’t want to advertise them or make you suffer if their music player starts playing before you can shut it off.

2007-04-17T01:40:00.001-04:00

I start most days off the same, having a rough time coping with the fact that its time to get up. Knowing I should get up, I do what any awesome person would do, I go back to sleep. Usually for only 10-20 minutes, but I’m just letting my brain know it’s my bitch. I will tell it when its time to get up, damnit.

Today’s attire was set off by my amazing shirt. I got it for a cancer donation. But to be honest I don’t give a shit about cancer, the main attraction was getting to choose a name for the back of it. For which I chose Optimus Prime.

If you do not know who Optimus Prime is then you are not my friend. Optimus Prime was the leader of the Autobots, a group of transforming robots, from a cartoon called Transformers. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It was only one of the most popular cartoons in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

To sum up Transformers into 10 words or less; It was the greatest goddamn cartoon ever.

Having the opportunity to put the name this cartoons leader was too good to pass up. That is what I did. In essence I took advantage of a cancer fund; yeah I’m an asshole, what’s new? It was only like $15 anyways, how much cancer will $15 help cure? None. So those fuckers took advantage of me.

I’ve got a few comments here and there about the shirt, stating how the Transformers rule. You don’t need to tell me, anyone who has ever seen one minute of it already knows this.

Getting back to the days events…

Today was like most days. The days where I take the dog out, hate on children, and aggravate my mom.

Taking the dog out is always fun, since I break the law every time I do. Just for your information around here it is illegal to not pick up your dogs shit. Well I never pick it up, never will, fuck that. I live in an apartment complex, there’s little kids running around, and Ill be damned if I’m going to pick up shit when these parents let their shits run around freely.

Speaking of these kids, they piss me off on a daily basis. Sometimes they like to bring their whore dog outside while I have mine out, “Great, now I get to attempt to keep my dog focused on shitting and not on fucking your dog up its ass, thanks.”

Then there are these two little girls who always like to heckle me. They always yell out, “Hey cutie,” every time they see me. Then they try to hide like they didn’t say it, and like I can’t see their oversized heads ducking down. It makes me feel like I’m back playing Nintendo and its Duck Hunt. The heads popping up and down, taunting me, I picture a light gun in my head shooting off rounds at a 13 inch television and I smile.

Other than that they seem to always know when you’re leaving somewhere because they’re conveniently throwing a party in the parking lot with all their shit. Riding skateboards, throwing balls, sucking at life, trading playing cards, the usual shit kids do.

This is about the time I arrive at my mothers, were we usually get in some debate over something she is wrong about, seeing as I am right. I eat the food and tell her it could be better, even if it couldn’t. Have to make everyone strive for perfection.

Plus its just fun seeing her get all pissed off. She raises her eyebrows and attempts to say something witty, but I’m ready for her. I always come back with something that leaves her not knowing quite how to respond. I’d give you an example but I’m too lazy to include that into this story.

Once the day winds down I find myself at this computer, typing these blogs to you unfortunate people who get to read them. I’m supposed to amuse you in some way, and supposed to give you some feeling of reward for taking the time to read my babbling. Sometimes the reward is nice, other times it feels like a cheap toy you win at the carnival.

The kind where you spend $20 on 10 tickets, only to have to wait in line sandwiched between snotty kids, looking at a carnie who seems as though he might be drunk and un-showered. Then he tells you how to play the game, which is usually the way you lose the game, but that’s how he wins so what the fuck does he care.

If you somehow win you get a shitty stuffed animal that you’ll just give to the first female willing to take the damn thing. If not that you win some of those cool mini-posters that are framed in glass in that cardboard border, trimmed so nicely in gold. You might get someone who was cool 15 years ago like Hulk Hogan or ACDC.

But the prize doesn’t matter; no one cares about the actual prize. We care about beating kids in games and then rubbing it in their face.

Last time at the carnival my friends won a goldfish, so I fucking ate it on video in front of everybody. Not only does a little kid not win it, but he doesn’t even get to believe that it lives. I shark-attacked that bitch. How does my stomach acid feel fucker? Shouldn’t have let those drunken carnies catch you.

That’s how my day usually goes. Now time to go to sleep so I can show my brain whose bitch it is yet again tomorrow.

Blah

2007-04-15T23:46:00.000-04:00

Blah

Away? No One Gives A Shit.

2007-04-15T00:29:00.000-04:00

I fucking detest away messages. Why? Because people put brainless shit in them that I don’t need to know. You’re away, that’s all I need to fucking know.

People use these because they assume people actually give a shit what they’re doing.

Let me ask you, is your life really so fucking pitiful that you have to know? Mine sure as hell is not, and if somehow yours is…slice your fucking wrist.

When these people put them up they use things like song lyrics, quotes, and descriptions of their day. As if anyone honestly cares.

I don’t want to see a song lyric. Fuck your song lyrics. Most of these are emo, cut your wrist, lyrics that they believe someone wants to read. Its sad enough they believe these lyrics have some connection with themselves, like they were written for them. These pretentious assholes believe that you’re going to have some emotional connection with them and just understand them after reading it. When I’m really thinking, “How long before this person kills themselves so I no longer have to pretend to be their friend, and can delete them from my list?”

I don’t want to read a quote. If I want to read things that make me think I wouldn’t be scrolling through aim away messages asshole. I don’t want to hear what you’re doing. I don’t give a shit if you’re gone eating, at work, or cleaning your crotch.

Girls are the fucking worst with away messages. Especially if they’re pissed off at you, which at that point they like to construct messages they believe will piss you off. Things like:

“I’m out having fun with the girls and guys”

“Some guys are [insert one of the following: assholes, asses, bastards, dicks, pricks, or a combination of them].”

Aw you’re so fucking witty. What’s more mature than having an away message fight with somebody.

Speaking of away message fights, I used to play this fun game with my ex. Every time I pissed her off I knew she would put up an away message to try and anger me. Every time she did, this is what I would do...laugh really hard and then tell all my friends to read it so that they could laugh really hard. Then I would make fun of her messages next time I talked to her. Why? Because it shows how fucking stupid she was.

This is a good time to actually check my list of friends (I use the term friends very loosely). You might want to check yours too. If you’re fun like me you’ll post them up here hoping your friends will read them and get the point.

Someone put their phone number in their away message, what a fucking idiot. “Hey lets give the whole world my private phone number; that won’t seem desperate.”

“Work ‘til 10, then sleep.” WHO FUCKING CARES? No one gives a shit about your boring ass schedule. Not one person is thinking, “Wow that’s amazing, she’s working until 10 and then she’s sleeping.” By the way, if you’re sleeping at 10 and don’t have to be up before 6am then you might as well drive slow at all times, grow hair out of your ears, and wear velcro shoes because you have become a fucking old person.

“Cuddling with Lloyd Banks.” Lloyd Banks? Fuck Lloyd Banks and fuck you for thinking someone actually gives a shit.

Bet you think twice about that message you put up now.

Fuck You Pam Stenzel

2007-04-13T01:35:00.000-04:00

The biggest problem without our youth today is abstinence, in other words, virgins. Yes I’m talking to you miss "I’m so great, I’m waiting for Mr. Right." Well guess what bitch? He is never coming. You know what will happen? You’ll get tired of being the chic that goes out and gets no attention because guys are tired of dealing with your uptight ass. Then what happens? You’ll fuck some guy in the bathroom of a 7/11, catch genital herpes, and then hopefully kill yourself.

I took the privilege of rearranging the word Abstinent to create a more suitable word. If you just take out the letters B, I, N, E, and add the letters U, P, and D you can then create the word; Stupid Ass.

That’s what you are, a stupid ass. What exactly are you waiting for? Don’t give me that, “I want it to be special,” or the, “I want him and me to give each other a gift.” Fuck you. It won’t be special; it will be like two dumbasses slowly rubbing against each other. The guy will think he’s god since he popped your cherry but really he’s a fucking idiot.

Virgin sex is the worst sex for both parties. You know why? I’ll save you the trouble of waiting until your honeymoon.

What does a girl have to offer the first time? Nothing except a tight wet spot. Just when you think it’s getting good you realize your dick is covered in blood, “Gee thanks bitch I see why we waited.”

What does the guy offer? He probably struggles to even get it in, and then he doesn’t know what to do. So he will lay there missionary and slowly move his pale ass.

According to the shitty ass website Wikipedia sexual abstinence is, “the practice of voluntarily refraining from some or all aspects of sexual activity.” You know what that definition should be? “The girl has your balls in a death grip, you’re too much of a pussy to use your own balls.”

Abstinence is the dumbest concept ever created; it is the single greatest marketing ploy by our government to students. Our government spends millions of dollars every year sending hip adults to tell kids abstinence is the best way to go. You know why they’re telling you that? Because they’re fucking paid to. I will tell you that fucking a whale cures cancer if you pay me to say it to some 13yr old dipshit with milk dripping off his chin.

According to Pam Stenzel, shes a slut paid $5,500 per school to tell students not to fuck, “Teenagers should follow one simple rule, keep your pants on.” That’s easy; I can fuck with my pants on all night, hell sometimes I prefer not to take them off. I’d rather just slide them down, thanks Pam.

It’s also said that Pam uses “wit, song lyrics and teen-savvy lines to make her point.” What a fucking walking cliché. “Hey I know what will make teens understand I’ll quote Beyonce and say shit like yo and what it is.” Cunt.

You know what I like? The girls who break these rules. The ones who say they’re a virgin but will give you head like its what they were made to do, which is arguably true. They have mastered the twist-down, twist-up, suck. Either that or they’re into ass-play.

I cant wait for the hate mail and bitchy comments, in advance I respond with, “Fuck You.”

Wednesdays With Randy

2007-04-11T22:00:00.000-04:00

Let me take you through my Wednesday.

At about 12:30pm I cracked my eyes open finally, scratched my balls, and got up. I stumble to the bathroom, take a piss, and then decide to brush the corona taste out of my mouth.

I’m good now.

I log on to my computer to find that I have a new message on myspace. It’s from a girl; let’s call her “Jen”.

This is Jen’s email, unedited.

“Dude you're fugly. Not sure why you think anyone would want you.”

I immediately burst into a hyena sounding laughter, because this is just too funny. Everything about it is funny.

Why is Jen on my myspace if she thinks I’m fugly? Why is she taking time to message someone she feels is fugly? She must be an attention whore, or just jealous of my greatness.

I decide that I’m going to write back to her. So here is my message to Jen, unedited.

“Why did you even waste your time sending this message? Really do you have nothing better to do in your life than to message a guy and say hes ugly? Youre 25? From this message I would guess that you were a fat bitch in 8th grade who played tetherball and wore nsync shirts. I'm so fucking ugly that you took the time to randomly message me, thanks cunt. Do you want to join my fanclub or something? Hop off my dick.

By the way I'm surprised this is coming from a girl who would have a hard time competing with her dog in looks.”

To clarify she has pictures of herself with her wrinkly dog, who I must say appears more fuck-able than she is, that is if you’re into dogs.

She then messaged me back calling me a “faget”. This obviously was a sign that she was in over her head if she wanted to trade written blows with me. I’m built for 12 rounds; I could have gone all night.

Other than that delicious message I happened to over hear a rather interesting conversation today.

I was walking to my mailbox when I heard this gem.

Guy #1: Dat pussy aint even dat good bro

Guy #2: I aint worried bout dat pussy

Guy #1: Yes you is bra, dat aint top pussy

You putting dat pussy on a pedestal

Guy #2: I aint worried bout dat pussy man, I done told you

Guy #1: Whateva bra, Im just sayin dat pussy aint all dat

It’s a great society we live in when you can hear conversations like this just picking up your mail.

I Will Wreck Your Shit

2007-04-11T12:53:00.000-04:00

Yep thats right, if you post your ugly mug on the internet I will wreck your shit. Especially if its on a website who's sole purpose is to display yourself for others to rate and meet you. I will wreck you, I'm the unofficial Hotornot critic. Lets begin....

So I thought of last time, everyone loved that, I much praise through messages on here and aim. To say I had struck success would be correct. But now I had to come back, I had to do it again, and do it better. So what am I to do? I believe I have taken this to the next level.

Do I honestly even need to say anything? This bitches face was good enough, but then to read her t-shirt I was floored. Who sold her this shirt? Who had the nerve to let this bitch go home with this? Whats worse is, WHO THE FUCK IS FUCKING THIS BITCH? If you're fucking this bitch you must be ashamed of yourself. So I decided to remake this photo, because this was just too good.

Yep what you see is correct, that is two rats fucking. Because only a dirty ass rat would fuck this chic.

I went ahead and edited this one to make it more sociably correct. Shes a whore. This is what she says on her description "I can't decide which I love better, Taco Bell or my boyfriend. HELP!" This bitch is dumb. Really can you imagine this....Boyfriend calls her and says "Hey baby, you want to hangout? Maybe have some sex?" And she says "Hmmm, idk, Taco Bell is sounding really good...I think Ill just be a fat ass and play with myself later. I hear Fire sauce makes a nice lubricant anyways."

Now I could of made an army joke with the 'I Want You!' But this is pathetic. A fat chic trying to give the 'fuck me' eyes and shes so hungry shes already eating her lip. Does she want me? Or does she want her lip? The way shes biting that lip I don't want her mouth anywhere near my dick.

Yes shes single. Yes she eats shit. Shes 24 and looking for a lover. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. This is what she says, "My quote is "I can only please one person a day and today is not your day"". So that means today is not your day, so who's day is it? Mr Hankies? Obviously its shit everyday

Shes a cheerleader. Are you serious? No way this bitch motivates any body in any sport. She also states, "I love to sit in my room listen to mucie." What is mucie? If thats supposed to be music its not even close, she doesn't even have all the letters that make the word music. She has 3 letters in the correct spot. This bitch is dumb, who here cannot spell music??? Find me one other person thats a teenager and cant spell music.

Now I know what you're thinking, "whats so funny about this pic, just an average pic." Well Its the description. And its unbelievable. This is the whole description, "I'm 18 and, I'm pretty outgoing at times.i have the days where i like to just sit and relax.I'm from Wilmington, Oh. i know how to have a good time.I'm really only looking for some friends right now, I have a wonderful man in my life. (sorry boys)." Let me emphasize that last part, "I have a wonderful man in my life. (sorry boys)." Really, sorry boys. Oh fucking no what will I do, this chic who defines average is taken, sorry. I know it broke your heart. I couldn't sleep for a day. Sorry boys, shes taken.

Thats it, I'm done. Warn your hotornot friends, I will wreck their shit.

The greatness that is the internet....

2007-04-10T22:50:00.000-04:00

...has shown me the website www.hotornot.com . Now what makes this website so great is that anyone can upload a picture and have it rated on a scale of 1-10, people can click to 'Meet You', send messages, etc. When I say anyone, I mean ANYONE. Now what makes it so great are the girls who must know they're not hot and yet they still post pictures trying to look provocative. It may be the most amusing thing Ive ever seen. Lets take a look at the greatness that is hotornot.

This girl doesn't give her name, which is good. To quote her directly, "i m looking for that special guy to love me forever and treat me good and love me," good luck with that picture. I mean first off If i wasn't directly searching for females I would think this is a dude. The sideways hat gives her some street cred, but the face that John Cenas arm cant seem to wrap around her is sad. Don't post this on hotornot, because it is definitely of the not variety.

This is Kelsey. Shes "looking for some fun." So shes showing off some cleavage but no one wants to see that kind of cleavage unless you're a black guy who likes the fat white chics who look like they work the drive thru at Taco Bell (no offense Taco Bell, you own). But no one wants to see fat tits on a fat chic, I especially don't want to see your bra. The lip piercing doesn't look scene it looks slutty on her like she has it for sucking penis. The whole package is just bad.

She loves the outdoors and swimming, it really shows. She also says she loves chocolate, I would of never guessed that. I mean that gobbler under whats supposed to be her chin is obviously not a giveaway. She also loves cuddling, would you want to cuddle with her? Or should I say....would you like to be smothered by her?

She goes to school for Welding. Of all things you could put in your description to make up for this nightmare of a picture she put that in. She also likes "baggy clothes," and "british accents." Die. Seriously, die.

This is Blair. Shes single. Besides being not hot she also has her kid in the photo. Perfect. I'm sure everyone will just go 'omgz u r so hawt, 10!11!!!!1! Betch.

The end.